Milking the Financial Meltdown

Everywhere, financial systems are crashing more frequently than Windows Vista; however, all is not gloom and doom
By Chris Chew

So as far as we can tell, this latest recession has been pretty sucky. It has flattened countries, decimated life savings and dismantled the confidence we once had in financial systems.

And that’s not even the worst part. Nor is it the bit about us not yet reaching the bottom of crapdom. No, the worst part is, we don’t even know why this is happening. We sorta have it figured out that someone somewhere made some greedy decisions, and someone else didn’t stop those decisions, and suddenly someone else was walking off with US$45 million while leaving his 26,000-plus employees with their potted plants, and little else.

So yes, true to history, this latest recession has been pretty sucky. But wait! This time, things could be different. According to our NASA-approved calculations, there are at least four advantages about the world going to the money pits this time. And having sifted through the crud, we pulled out the nuggets that any pennywise person should take comfort from.

1. You can sound real smart
The truth is, only the most pocket-protected of economists could dare claim that all this manic monetary mayhem can be properly comprehended by the average dunce on the street, i.e., us. Oh for sure, we’ve tried to plough through articles that discuss and dissect the volatile stock movements. Then we arrive at a phrase like ‘equity derivatives’, and suddenly that thirst for financial knowledge is systematically chomped by a greater yearning for one BBQ Ranch Charbroiled Chicken Burger.

Which is where you can gain the upper hand, above and beyond the legion of urban ignoramuses. All because you don’t know what those fancy financial terms mean shouldn’t stop you from using them in all your social settings. Chances are, a good 99.34% of your friends don’t know squat either.

So, begin by bedazzling them with numbers. Anything in the billions usually adds about five points to your perceived IQ; reach the trillions, and you become the Warren Buffet of that mamak table. Now, add in a few semi-obscure companies that no one has heard of. (Seriously, before this mess, did anyone else think Bear Stearns was a petting zoo franchise?) If you don’t know any, throw three letters together and invent one. Finally, namedrop the uppercut of uppercuts: “collateral debt obligations” (or CDOs if you can’t pronounce that in between mouthfuls of chicken chop). It’s one of the central scapegoats to this mire, and will almost certainly win you 1,000 new Facebook friends. Genius.

2. You don’t have to use a corny name
Over the past 100 years or so, America has pretty much christened just about everything shit that happens to it. Hurricanes, terrorist attacks, dotcom busts—apparently if you’re gonna sit in shit for a bit, might as well make it romantic.

But this time around? No fetch-the-hanky, dumb-and-swanky catchphrase to replace the default moniker of ‘global economic meltdown’?

Nope. Nothing that has stuck anyways. ‘Subprime mortgage crisis’ was the frontrunner—it’s still the title of the Wikipedia entry—yet the emergence of complex financial instruments (another smart-sounding phrase you can use!), combined with the realisation that Europe’s own brouhaha had less to do with non-paying homeowners than with messed-up banking systems, has led medianiks to hunt for another sexy term.

Thankfully, they’re tanking as bad as the system. ‘Credit crunch’ has been bandied around, but it’s got too much Fruity Loops and cold milk drenched all over it to sound appropriately menacing. ‘Great Depression 2.0’ is another one, an obvious nod to the 1929 original. But the tekky vibe is a gross misrepresentation—while tech companies are certainly affected, the Silicon giants aren’t exactly sacking the gourmet chefs. Apple sold seven million iPhone 3Gs in three months, Facebook just passed the 110 million member mark, and Google just made US$1.35 billion in profits, a 26% increase from the previous quarter. Somebody pass Sergey the food stamps, the impoverished dork.

3. You can live longer
Contrarian as it may seem, recessions have been proven to be good for health. Consider the logic of this example: less money available means less expendable cash for Friday night binges, which means less drunk driving, which means fewer car accidents, which means fewer distressed parents spending unhealthy quantities of time at hospitals, amputee clinics and crematoriums. How good is that?!

And yet it’s beyond goodness; it’s almost fact. Significant studies from the likes of Stanford professors and economic research corporations suggest that while dwindling accounts may raise stress levels, they also convince people to cook their dinners, cut down on cigarettes and give up those drinking sessions. Bottom line: you might not enjoy that property boom for a while, but you can actually extend your lifespan a few extra years. Maybe even long enough for the next property boom.

4. Governments can finally focus on what’s important
When push comes to shove, most people don’t want to pay attention to politicians; they want politicians to pay attention to them. And there are fewer things more effective at shifting lenses than economic uncertainty.

Thankfully, there are enough smart governments out there to know when party politics have to take a backseat. Malaysia’s opposition party, for instance, has promised to put aside its dreams of overthrowing the existing government to focus on revitalising the economy. New Zealand, currently in the throes of its worst-ever recession, is poised to elect a new Prime Minister whose sole duty will be to lead the country out of the dumps.

And then there’s America. The world’s largest economy lumbers on through its own stupid muck, dragging the rest of us in with it, and is now moments away from what is arguably the most fascinating and pivotal American election in recent memory. In the shadow of a ballot box, both race and war have become secondary on the voting agenda. As former president Bill Clinton rightly said during his 1992 campaign, it’s the economy, stupid. Stupid is as stupid does, and this time, we really need Stupid to stop talking, and just do. Otherwise, all that will remain in the world is a crowd of smart-sounding, iron-pumping paupers. And that would be really stupid.